It really can’t get more personal than sharing how I became a Mom. It is the most meaningful story I could ever tell y’all. The most important thing to know as you read it is that I wasn’t a Mom, and then I WAS with the snap of a finger.
15 years is the amount of time we waited to become parents. 15 years filled with ups, downs, one failed attempt after another, and everything in between. It took me exactly 15 years to give up and decide I would focus on other things outside of what I wanted to be most in the world, a Mom. The moment I gave up God showed up. He showed up guns blazing, and I can honestly say that everything that happened in the 7 months that followed me throwing in the towel were God’s way of prepping me for the biggest life change I’d ever experience.
The day I found out about my daughter.
I was in the car with my dear friend and her family, and we were making our way back from laying her Father to rest. It was a sad, emotionally draining week for her, and her family. We had about 5 hours-ish left in our trip when I received the phone call. My husband was 7 months into a 9 month tour in Afghanistan. When I heard the words “there’s a baby” on the other line I was completely shocked and immediately thought, I CAN’T DO THIS. My husbands gone, I’m not prepared, I have nothing for a baby, and there’s just no way this is possible right now. Before I could even think about what was coming out of my mouth I said “I can’t”.
That’s a hard pill for me to swallow, knowing that initially I said “I can’t” in reference to my daughter. The devil creeped right in and my mouth started moving before I had even processed what was going on. I doubted my ability to be what any child needed. (Remember, I had given up on the thought of becoming a Mom, and had planned accordingly for a different life). We sold everything before my husband deployed, even our home, and decided to commit to living tiny. I had purchased a small travel trailer, and moved home to Texas during the deployment. I didn’t even have a proper “home” for a kid.
I doubted my ability to be what any child needed.
I think if you asked any Mom if they’ve ever had self doubt they would say yes. After hanging up the phone, I must have looked 6 shades of white because my friend asked me what was wrong. I told her what was said on the phone. I remember her looking me dead in my eyes and telling me I had lost my mind (in so many words). I said “But Eric isn’t here”. She said “call them back right now, this is what you’ve always wanted”. Her words snapped me right out of it.
Despite the overwhelming grief I know she was experiencing, she made it her mission to make sure that I felt the confidence I needed to get through the next 24 hours. I made the call right back and said. “What do I need to do?” At that point I didn’t get any details about my daughter (those came later that day). The main thing I remember is I was given until the next morning to get to the hospital, or I could potentially lose her. Now, my friend made it her new mission to turn a 6 hour trip into a 3 hour trip. (If you don’t believe me you could ask the state trooper that pulled us over.)
The hours that followed were full of phone calls. The first being to my husband who I thought I should probably clue in on what was happening. He was about to set out on a mission, when we spoke. I believe my words to him were “We are getting a baby”. He was just as shocked as me, and I wouldn’t be able to talk to him again until I was well on the way home with her the next evening. I called my sister and asked her if she could go with me the next morning. MORE SHOCK and DISBELIEF. She then made phone calls. Within a few hours I went from not having a thing for a baby, to having a house full of stuff, and everything I could possibly need to bring her home. You see guys, there were a community of people who were praying for me. I had given up, but no one else had.
Let’s just say, by the skin of my teeth, I made it to the hospital the next morning. I met my daughter for the first time exactly 12 hours after I received the phone call about her. My life changed, and I felt love I never imagined I could feel exactly 12 hours after the phone call. I had a new purpose the moment I saw her, and I knew she’d be my baby forever. I spent the next 2 hours with her in the nursery until it was time for her to go back to her birth mother to eat.
There were less than 24 hours between the phone call, and me leaving the hospital with my daughter. A lot had to happen in that 24 hours. The things that had to happen were not what at least 10 lawyers told me on that Friday were even possible. I heard so many no’s that day I had flashbacks to my own toddlerhood. I was discouraged more than I was encouraged, but I kept fighting. All I needed was one yes. ONE PERSON to say they would help us. The yes came, and when it did everything started to fall into place.
There were so many people waiting on the edge of their seats to see what would happen. There was so much PRAYER. I was operating on 2 hours of sleep, and adrenaline but some how I felt peace. It’s like I knew exactly what God was doing. Suddenly everything I had experienced through out my journey to motherhood, every decision I had made, and every bump in the road made complete sense. There were two neon arrows pointing directly to where I was standing right then.
I left the hospital holding my daughter at 6:00 pm that evening. I spent my first night as a new mom, and I also came to the harsh realization that I would NEVER SLEEP AGAIN that evening.
There are a whole lot of heroes in the story of how I became a Mom, one being my own Mom who made her home ours while we went through the adoption process. I couldn’t possibly list every single one. Some are still an active part of our lives, and some are not. However, every single one of them are important and played a significant role in our story, and will always have a rightful place in our journey.
My husband met his daughter for the first time 2 months after I brought her home. There was an immediate connection between them. 6 months after I brought her home we finalized her adoption with family and friends in tow. When the judge said we could come up to take a picture with him, the entire courtroom emptied to come forward for the photo. This kid has so much love and support in her life, she’ll never not feel it. She will be 2 this year and she definitely keeps me on my toes, but no matter the amount of personality that comes out of her I’ll always see her as that tiny little baby in the hospital. I’m a little more worn out than I was before that day, but I’m also A LOT more blessed.
She was, is, and will always be our BIG miracle.